


i'd drink a case of you

by elsinorerose



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Lots of kissing, christine doesn't know how to write drunkenness so let's hope this seems plausible, implied ace!caduceus, some of it is not, some of it is platonic, the mighty nein are very bored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-26 12:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18180326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsinorerose/pseuds/elsinorerose
Summary: "Heyyy Jester," Beau drawls. "Hey — hey Jester. Yasha. Let's — let's playspin the bottle."





	i'd drink a case of you

**Author's Note:**

> I asked [Comet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringyouhometoo/pseuds/bringyouhometoo) for a prompt; she gave me "rain, purple, bottle" and the condition that it had to be angst. I ignored that condition. (I also ignored the second half of her prompt, but you will get to read that another time...) 
> 
> This is set vaguely sometime during the Mighty Nein's return voyage back to Nicodranas at the end of the pirate arc. Un-beta'd, so please be gentle. Title from...something on one of Comet's Amy/11 playlists, which I stole from her when she asked if it would work as a title for her own fic, because it was _too good not to use for this._ Thanks for putting up with me, Comet. :P

It's Beau's idea. 

The rain has been coming down hard outside since last night, hard enough that even Fjord has come belowdecks, leaving Orly at the helm. Now it's late afternoon verging on evening, and they've busied themselves all day with whatever work they could find, until they ran out of things that needed repairing or organizing or drawing dicks on, and then they tried playing cards for a bit, and then there was the arm-wrestling tournament, and then Nott taught everyone how to play Catch the Frumpkin, but that ended in nothing but claw marks and tragedy; and for a while things were beginning to look dire until Beau opened a crate in a corner of the hold and found  _ a whole lotta booze. _

The past hour has been much less boring. Nott is draped over Caduceus's shoulders like a cat, playing with his hair, while he tries to give names to each and every one of the hundred or so beetles he's conjured from his staff that are crawling in a slow circle around him, seemingly a little drunk themselves; though Jester isn't sure if that's because Cad's summoned creatures somehow share in his own mental state or if he just hasn't bothered to tell them to do anything else. Fjord is loudly trying to teach Yasha a sea shanty that Jester is pretty sure he is making up on the spot. Yasha herself seems surprisingly unaffected by the impressive amount of rum she's consumed so far — or she would, except for the fact that she's lying with her head in Beau's lap letting the other woman clumsily braid her hair.

Jester has not touched a drop of alcohol, of course. It's  _ far  _ more fun to be the only sober person in a group of idiots who have all let their guard down. Especially when you are the sober cleric of a trickster god.

She lounges back on the pile of burlap sacks that are serving her as an armchair, grinning, watching her friends make such adorable fools of themselves, keeping an eye out for any truly delicious windows of opportunity that may arise. There was very nearly a moment a few minutes ago, when Caduceus started nodding off where he sat, and Jester thought she might just be able to get away with scrawling a temporary Cap'n Tusktooth tattoo on his forehead — but then he'd jolted awake with a loud snort, and her chance was gone. (Well. This time, anyway.)

She'll have to work her mischief somewhere else. There's another idea she's been toying with for a while, but it will take some delicacy, some sensitivity — nothing fun about a prank that crosses a line, obviously — and she's not sure whether or not she'll be able to pull this off, until Beau — blessed Beauregard — sits up bleary-eyed from where she's been bent over Yasha's head and delivers the best suggestion Jester may have ever heard.

"Heyyy Jester," she drawls. "Hey — hey Jester. Yasha. Let's — let's play  _ spin the bottle." _

Nott falls off Caduceus's back.

"Oh my god," gasps Jester, clasping her hands together. "Beau, you are a genius."

"I know, right?!"

Caduceus lifts Nott off the ground and dusts a few smooshed beetle corpses off of her. "Wha's — wha's that? What's spinny bottle?"

"Spin  _ the   _ bottle," exults Jester, feeling her grin getting wider and wider. "It's  _ so much fun,  _ Caduceus, you're going to  _ love it.  _ I mean, I  _ think  _ it's fun, I've never actually played it, but everyone  _ says  _ it is a  _ delight." _

"Is that what they say," deadpans Caleb from the far side of the room.

He's been there for nearly the whole hour, curled up on the floor with his knees to his chest, his back against a coil of rope, just reading. And drinking, of course. In typical Caleb fashion, it's like he's unaware that anything exists outside of the book in his hands, but every so often Beau has leaned over and rolled a bottle across the floor to him, and he hasn't turned any of them down. He hasn't finished any of them, of course — there are about six bottles stacked around him with varying levels of rum remaining, and he seems to keep forgetting they're there, until a new one rolls to a stop on front of his foot. 

Sounds like he's been paying at least a little attention to the rest of the Nein, though, because without looking up from the page he continues, with just a hint of inebriation coming through his words, "Did you get that from one of your smut books?"

Jester is so excited she could do a cartwheel.

"Get up, get up, get up," Beau is muttering, trying to lift Yasha's head and shoulders out of her lap. "Jester — Jess — tell him — tell Cad, he's gonna  _ freak out." _

Jester doesn't have the slightest intention of saying anything to Cad. She stands up and nearly has to stop herself from skipping as she makes her way over to Caleb, who is turning page after page of his book so quickly that she isn't sure even  _ he  _ can speed-read that fast. 

"Come on Caleb!" says Jester brightly, grabbing one of his sleeves and hauling him, startled, to his feet. The book — and Frumpkin, who was draped half-asleep over one of Caleb's legs — tumbles to the floor. "Come have some fun for once!"

"I am very fun," Caleb slurs. "The most fun."

Nott, who is still dangling by the armpits from Caduceus's hands, gives a little kick — several more dead beetles go flying — and hisses in a loud whisper,  _ "SHE HAS A POINT CALEB YOU CAN SOMETIMES COME OFF A LITTLE GLOOMY." _

"I don't — mmm — " Fjord is swaying. "I'm not — mmm — sure that this is the best…" He waves one hand vaguely at the air. "...with us all...down here…"

Beau lets out what can only be called a  _ guffaw. _ "Are you  _ seasick,  _ Fjord?!"

_ "You're turning green!"  _ shrieks Nott.

"Oh my god, you guys, Fjord gets seasick when he's drunk," Beau shouts, "this is the best day ever, he's totally  _ lost his sea legs,  _ he's gonna — he's gonna be, like — like the whole, like, snake, thing — he's  _ Uk'otoa you guys — " _

"Uk'otoa," echo Nott, Caduceus, and Yasha all at the same time.

Jester has been dragging Caleb across the room by the hand this whole time, which should be easier than it is, execpt he seems to keep thinking she's trying to waltz with him, and it's only now that she finally gets him back to the others and is able to push him down to sit on the floor next to Beau and Yasha. And now he won't let go of her hand, and he does sort of look like he's at risk of falling over sideways without something to hang onto, so she lets him pull her down next to him and sits crosslegged, her tail wrapped snugly around the front of her knees.

"Spin the bottle," she proclaims, for Cad's benefit, "is a game where you sit in a circle, and you spin a bottle on the floor, and whoever it ends up pointing to, you have to kiss them!"

Caduceus blinks and drops Nott.

_ "OW!" _

"This might be a Mollymauk game," says Caleb unsteadily, turning to Jester, "maybe not a Caduceus game."

"It is  _ definitely  _ not a Fjord game," says Fjord, who is now leaning against the wall for support, and Nott and Beau might be right, he does look like he might be feeling a little under the weather.

Jester knows she hasn't had any rum, but — Caleb's grip on her hand tightens — she hears herself give a little stupid titter at her own silent joke.  _ Under the weather.  _ Because it's...because it's raining, up there, and they're all belowdecks…

"Caduceus," bellows Beau, finally heaving Yasha into sitting upright in front of her, "you be the judge, Fjord can go make out with Orly or something since we're all  _ so unattractive to him." _

"Damn right," mumbles Fjord, lurching towards the stairs that lead up out of the hold.

"Fjord is going to go kiss Orly!" Jester shouts — 

— and Caleb  _ giggles. _

Oh, my god, this is — this might be the best day of her life. Everyone, including Fjord, stops whatever they're doing and stares at Caleb. Beau is actually  _ gaping. _

"Is — " Caduceus frowns, holds up a half-empty bottle and stares at it, puzzled. "Is rum magic?"

"You  _ bet your ass it is,"  _ grins Beau. She sort of throws herself over onto her hands and knees and starts clearing space on the floor, brushing dead beetles and empty bottles out of the way, pulling Nott to one side, and in a minute — after some prodding at Yasha — they are all sitting in something like a rough circle, except for Fjord, whose curiosity appears to have overcome his nausea: he is sitting on the bottom stair, trying to hide the fact that he is hiccuping.

Beau grabs one of the empty bottles. "Okay. So. This is — how it works is — somebody goes first."

There's a pause. Everyone looks at everyone else. 

Caleb is still holding Jester's hand.

"Caduceus!" Jester blurts out, louder than she means to. "You're the judge. You pick."

Caduceus blinks. "What am I judging?"

"Technique!" "Spinning!" "Cheating!" "Hotness!" reply Jester, Yasha, Nott and Beau.

"Whether or not it is  _ delightful,"  _ says Caleb with a raise of his eyebrows towards Jester that is probably supposed to be more subtle.

Jester feels her face go hot and pulls her hand out of Caleb's — he sways a bit, thrown off balance, and ends up having to grab Beau by the shoulder. "Just pick who goes first," Jester tells Cad, "and make it me, because — " She beams. "I have some  _ ideas." _

"This is going to be very bad," announces Caleb.

Caduceus still looks confused, but he says  _ hmm  _ and looks around the circle a few times...before pointing hesitantly at one of the few still-crawling beetles.

"That's not — " "No, Cad…" "I don't think you've quite — "

Behind them Fjord starts laughing his ass off.

"Okay, then," says Cad, "then...Nott."

Everyone but Nott groans. She holds up both middle fingers at them all, grinning, and then lunges forward, grabs the rum bottle, and spins it with all her tiny might.

It lands on Caleb.

"YES!" claps Beau, and Nott practically dives across the circle to throw herself in Caleb's lap.

"Nein — nein —  _ nein!"  _ he protests, leaning back as far as he can, but he's too drunk to slap her away fast enough, and she snakes her way under his flailing arms to plant a sloppy wet kiss on his cheek.

"You," she smiles toothily, "are  _ adorable." _

Caleb is blushing furiously as Nott takes her place back across the circle. He grabs the trailing end of one of Jester's sleeves and uses it to wipe the goblin spittle off of his cheek.

Beau grabs Yasha's hand and slams it onto the bottle. "NEXT!" 

"Do I — I just spin it?"

"SPIN AWAY!"

Yasha obeys, and after a few moments the bottle comes to a stop, pointing at —

"Nott!" squeals Jester. "You are getting all the kisses!"

Nott covers her cheeks with her hands. "Yasha, you don't have to — "

But Yasha leans over and presses a soft kiss on the top of Nott's head, and even Beau admits, "Tha's — tha's adorable. You're adorable."

Yasha takes a second to struggle to sit back up. She spits a little bit, licks her lips. "Nott, your hair tastes like...like flowers." Nott beams.

"I'm — my turn, I'm — me," says Beau, and she spins the bottle so hard it almost flies out of the circle, only stopping when it hits Caduceus's knee.

"Oh, Caduceus, you are the judge, you don't have to play," says Jester quickly.

"Nah, it's fine, this is really nice." Cad holds out his hand like a prince, and Beau takes it with a flourish and smacks a kiss on his knuckles with a loud  _ mwah! _

"You are the judge, what is your verdict?" asks Caleb. He is still holding onto the end of Jester's sleeve, she realizes, fiddling with the hem like it's one of his spell components and he's trying to cast something that he's still not totally figured out yet.

"Very nice," declares Caduceus. "Good, uh...technique. Good spinning."

He picks the bottle up and places it back in the center of the circle.

Beau turns to Caleb with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Caleb, you're up."

Jester's heart flies into her throat. Oh, please, come on, please, this will be  _ hilarious,  _ he's going to go redder than when she gave him mouth-to-mouth that time, if only she knew how to cast cantrips silently so that she could give the bottle a little nudge in the right direction, you know, just enough to — 

But when Caleb — who has a moment where he seems like he can't decide whether to let go of Beau's shoulder or Jester's sleeve, and then ends up letting go of both and almost slumps forward onto his knees — gives the bottle a clumsy spin, it rolls to a stop pointing at...himself.

_ Ah, damn it,  _ thinks Jester.

"AGAINST THE RULES!" hollers Beau, but Caduceus shakes his head.

"Give yourself a kiss, Caleb," he says very seriously.

Caleb stares at the bottle looking just about as confused as Jester has ever seen him. "I...don't know how."

"The judge has spoken!" Nott chimes in. "Quick, make out with yourself!"

"But I only have one — "

Jester grabs Caleb's hand and smooshes it against his lips.

" — mmf." His eyes go wide.

"Never practiced on yourself before, Caleb?" asks Beau slyly, nudging him with her shoulder.

Caleb's voice is muffled against his own palm. "This is definitely new."

"My turn," proclaims Jester, dropping Caleb's hand reluctantly.

She spins, and for a moment she gets  _ very excited,  _ but then —

"Aw, fuck, spin again," groans Beau.

Nott gasps. "No, look, it's pointing at  _ Fjord!" _

They all turn to look back at the stairs. Fjord is sitting passed out, slumped sideways against the wall.

"Fjord is not playing," says Caleb loudly.

"I wouldn't kiss him anyway," points out Jester, "he's not even  _ awake,  _ how gross is that. He's probably all drooling and shit."

"Ja, spin again, it is only fair."

This time she gets Beau, who hoots and grabs her by the collar, hauling her across the circle to give her a firm, enthusiastic peck on the lips.

"You have a  _ nice mouth,"  _ says Beau when she pulls away, "you should be — very proud, like congratulations on your mouth."

"Thank you, I worked very hard on it — " begins Jester with a giggle, but Beau has already thrown her hands up into the air and shouted for Caduceus.

It goes on like this for a couple more rounds, friends kissing friends, mostly perfectly innocent, except for when Nott insists Beau tried to slip her a little tongue action. It is, actually, to quote Caduceus,  _ really nice.  _ Nott mostly goes for cheek kisses, Yasha for the top of the head, and Caduceus receives back-of-the-hand kisses from almost everybody in the circle. Beau pretty much always goes straight for the lips, except when she gets Cad and Caleb, who offer hand and shoulder respectively. Jester kisses Yasha on the cheek, kisses herself on the arm, and gives Cad a big forehead smooch that earns her an almost uncomfortably tight firbolg hug. 

She doesn't get to kiss Caleb even once, though. Not that he's had much better luck — he's gotten himself, Nott, Yasha, and himself, in that order, and the only one that he seemed even remotely comfortable with was Nott. Jester is beginning to wonder why he agreed to play spin the bottle in the first place.

Finally they're on round four or five, and Jester is actually starting to get bored again, when a shout drifts down from the deck above them. "Rain's stopped!" somebody is calling.

_ "Yesssss,"  _ says Beau, who has gotten to kiss Yasha twice by now and clearly achieved the point of the game in the first place. "Come on, Nott, let's — let's go — " She stumbles to her feet. "Let's go race to the top of the, like...halyard, or something."

"That's a terrible idea."

"What's a halyard?" asks Yasha as she gets up and follows them towards the stairs.

"It's pronounced  _ halberd,"  _ says Nott.

"No, that's a different — you're thinking — "

"Somebody pick up Fjord," suggests Caduceus, trailing after them.

Jester doesn't move. Neither does Caleb. He's playing with the end of her sleeve again as Frumpkin wanders over and curls up between them, purring loudly.

"Does Frumpkin get drunk when you're drunk?" asks Jester, buying time as the rest of the Nein eventually makes their way up out of the hold.

Caleb blinks. "I'm not drunk."

"You're  _ so drunk,  _ Caleb." She can't help but laugh, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. "I've seen you drunk before. This is not so bad, actually though, you're right, you are not trying to go pass out in the street."

Caleb doesn't respond. He's staring at her.

"If you are going to go try to pass out in the actual ocean, though," Jester continues, feeling herself starting to blush a little, "warn me first, okay? Because I think you are too drunk to swim."

"Did you know that your eyes are purple?"

Okay, she's — yes, she's blushing for sure now, which...wasn't the plan? She's supposed to be making  _ Caleb  _ blush. But he looks surprisingly held together, even if his gaze is a bit unfocused as he continues to stare into her eyes.

Jester bites her lip to keep herself from smiling. "I did know, yes, actually."

"You are blue and your eyes are purple." This sounds strangely familiar. "Cool colors."

"Cool?"

"You know, cool." Caleb grabs a lock of his own hair with two fingers and holds it up. "Not, ah, red and orange, those are the warm ones, blue and purple and green are cool. We had art lessons once."

Jester doesn't know who  _ we  _ means, but her heart swells. "Caleb, were you going to be an artist?"

"No — " He shakes his head. "You are the artist."

"But you had art lessons."

"Once. Ah. For a week, maybe. Long time ago."

He drops his gaze, and Jester follows, because the room is starting to feel very small, and her eyes land on the bottle again, still laying innocently on the floor in front of them.

"You know — " she begins.

Caleb grabs the bottle and spins it.

"There's only two of us," says Jester lightly as they wait for it to stop spinning. Her pulse is racing and her palms are starting to sweat, and she's pretty sure the point of this entire thing was to fuck with Caleb, wasn't it, so why is  _ she  _ —

Caleb shrugs. "The judge left, so, you know, I think the rules do not apply so much."

Jester is going to say something, though she has no idea what will come out of her mouth, but then the bottle slows to a stop pointing…

...exactly between them.

At Frumpkin.

She is beginning to think the Traveler may be involved here.

"Oh, now, come here, you," says Caleb, and he gathers the cat up in his arms. Frumpkin gives a soft mewl of protest, but Caleb buries his face in that brown-and-orange fur and nuzzles a kiss into his familiar's neck.

It might be the most tender thing she's ever seen Caleb do. Jester is so taken aback that she feels a little breathless. It's not that she doesn't know Caleb is sweet, deep down, as much as he may try to hide it — just that he's rarely so vulnerable around any of them, at least when he knows anyone can see him.

Any of them except her. The realization — of many little moments over the past few months all jumbled together into something soft and patchwork like a quilt — sinks into her, slowly, warm, like rum going down her throat. He has never hidden this side of himself from her, has he.

A very secret voice far back in the corner of her heart whispers that this is better than a kiss.

"We should probably join the others." Caleb is standing up, grabbing her shoulder for balance, and Jester stands up with him, and when she does he slings his arm around her neck. "You are the only sober one, someone needs to manage."

"I am the captain now," she replies with as straight a face as she can, and she is rewarded by a huff of amusement from Caleb as they walk out of the ship's hold, up the stairs past the still-unconscious, slightly snoring Fjord, up towards the deck.

They are almost out in the fresh air, Jester still supporting Caleb under one arm, when he stops, almost causing her to stumble. "So, Lavorre," he says, turning to look at her archly, "was it as  _ delightful  _ as you thought it would be?"

There is rum on his breath, and one corner of his mouth is turned up in the slightest of smiles, and she can see every point of the day-old stubble dusting his jawline, and she thinks,  _ Your eyes are pretty cool, too, Caleb. _

"Yes," she answers. "It was definitely a delight."

Then she leads him up into the sunlight, his weight resting easily against her, to join the rest of their family.

Beau really does have good ideas.

_ fin _


End file.
